It's a Good, Good Friday

I just walked in the door, settled into the world's deepest couch, and put my feet up.

All is quiet inside. Outside, a low, golden moon is creeping up over the streetlights.

My mind and my eyes are so tired. I worked a longer day today so I could take some time off tomorrow, and I think my sleepiness has wrecked my attention span. I'm thinking about e-mails, about laughs that I had with my patients today, about what my mom might be making for Easter, about when I might need to get gas. 

I, I, I, I, I.

These days, I've been thinking way too much about myself; about my opinions and my preferences and my gifts and my future and my past, and mostly I think there have been lots of times this week where my pride has gotten the best of me.

"HE must become greater; I must become less."

I've had that Bible verse running as a refrain through my head, and I had to look up the reference to find that it was spoken by John the Baptist in John 3:30. That's same John who, in Luke 7:28, Jesus called the greatest man who had ever been born.

If the greatest man who had ever been born knew that he must become less, shouldn't I, too?

It's the eve of Good Friday. It's time to take my eyes off myself and put them on the One who is greater.

My parents always encouraged us to spend time on Good Friday worshiping Jesus. They kept us home from school and gave us a quiet day to think and pray, and watch videos about Jesus. (Or Moses. Because The Ten Commandments is a nice, long, religious movie if you have three kids to keep busy for a whole day.)

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, a day of reflection, refreshment, and reminders for my soul.

Can I invite you to join me tomorrow in reading some stories about Jesus? You can find the Good Friday story starting here, in Luke 22, but any Jesus stories will do.

Let's turn our eyes from the temporal to the eternal,
From humanity to majesty,
From man to God.

It's a good Friday, friends.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.
And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 
(Hebrews 12:1-2)

"Go... Sit... Stare" - A Singles' Guide to Weddings

Bachelors and bachelorettes, it's been far too long since I've given you any advice.

Sure, I got you through the holidays with my Singles' Holiday Guide and my instructions on writing the perfect solo Christmas letter.

And yep, I helped you through the New Year with my Tips for Finding Love in 2016.

But now the holidays are over and it's spring, that magical season when a young person's fancy turns to love! ...Not yours, of course. For one thing, you are not that young. Also, you are not in love. No, your fancy is currently occupied with other pressing matters, such as registries and RSVPs, because it's almost Wedding Season!

How are you going to conquer Wedding Season alone? This is far too big a question for me to answer without help, so I turned to my Facebook friends for their advice. In addition to some actual, proper advice (such as "Remember that it's not about you"), here are some of the quotes I gathered:

• "Don't go."
• "If you must go, it helps make you feel better if others know you're miserable. So, I think it's good to cry, make self-deprecating comments, and say things to the married/dating people like "you are so lucky to have each other". '
• "Look hot."
• "Make sure to dance with people that are either one third your age OR three times your age!"
• "Give awkward hugs."
• "Perfect a dance that you can teach to others."
• "Bring a cat."

One guy said, "I just kind of go... sit... stare." He pointed out that this method has two advantages: It's really uncomfortable for him, and it's really uncomfortable for everyone else.

As tempting as that sounds, you may want some more specific advice, so here you go:

1) DO Drink.

The best thing a single person can do at a wedding is drink. No, not alcohol. (That's actually the worst thing. A little-known fact!)

You are going to drink a LOT, because you will be requiring a LOT of bathroom breaks. I recommend a minimum of five glasses of water, plus a few Shirley Temples to help you fit in at the kids' table, where you will probably be seated.

Once your bladder is sloshing with several gallons of non-alcoholic beverages, you will be ready to run frantically to the restroom anytime an unpleasant singleness moment arises. For example, you can escape:

• The minute you hear the words "bouquet" and "toss" in the same sentence
• Any time the DJ plays a song that's 100 beats per minute or less
• When you're stuck between two strangers who are conversing over you as if you are not polishing off a salad in the two-foot space between them. 

The next tip is specific to the gentlemen.

2) DON'T be like this guy:

One time, I was sitting with some friends at a reception and an unattached groomsman came ambling over and invited one of us (any of us!) to dance. I volunteered.

As we arrived on the dance floor, he said, "I don't really know how to dance, so you'll have to lead."

No can do, Mr. Awkward Sweaty Groomsman Guy. NO CAN DO.

If your plan is to make the girl lead, I suggest that you first find out whether or not she went to a conservative Baptist high school that did not allow dancing, thus forever cementing her dance skills at the level of "Bunny Hop," and if indeed she did go to said high school, back slowly away.

Anyway, my Facebook friends were all in agreement on the following points:

3) DO eat cake.

4) But DON'T cry about it. Apparently, the acceptable times to cry at a wedding are as follows:

• The ceremony
• The speeches

Every other situation is off-limits for tears, including:

• Eating cake
• Eating your second piece of cake
• Eating your third piece of cake

If you find yourself crying at a non-approved time, you must either put on your sunglasses or run to the restroom (see Point #1). No crying at the singles' table!

5) DO make jokes. If you can't cry, you might as well laugh.

One friend suggested that if you get a second piece of cake, you should claim that it's for your date, who "couldn't make it."

I think she's onto something. It's true that your date couldn't make it... TO YOUR LIFE.

Heh heh. Witty remarks like these are going to be essential for following the last piece of advice for attending weddings alone:

6) DO make friends. I'm not talking about making friends at the wedding. I'm talking about making friends before the wedding. Twenty years before, if possible.

Because the best way to enjoy a wedding solo is to be in the wedding. Think about it:

• You will walk into the ceremony on the arm of a well-dressed person of the opposite gender
• It's actually more convenient NOT to have your own date
• You will have assigned seating at the best table in the venue
• You will have many duties to keep you busy, thus giving you something to do other than visit the restroom
• You will acquire many lovely professional photos of yourself in formalwear. Perfect for your online dating profile!

So dust off your jokes, my fellow singles, and get out there and make some friends. It's Wedding Season, and we got this. See you at the head table!

When Helping Hurts: A "Misguided Missions" Follow-Up

Thanks for reading my series on "Misguided Missions," in which I explored the potentially harmful ways in which American churchgoers try to help others.

When I wrote that series, I hadn't yet finished this book:

Wow. I highly, highly recommend When Helping Hurts. Please pick up the book for a thorough treatment of "how to alleviate poverty without hurting the poor... and yourself" (as the subtitle says).

Let me summarize a few of the points that helped me most.

What is poverty?

The authors interviewed North American audiences and found that most defined poverty in terms of material lack, while poor people worldwide tend to describe not only material lack but also psychological and social lack:

Poor people typically talk in terms of shame, inferiority, powerlessness, humiliation, fear, hopelessness, depression, social isolation, and voicelessness. North American audiences tend to emphasize the lack of material things such as food, money, clean water, medicine, housing, etc. ... This mismatch between many outsiders' perceptions of poverty and the perceptions of poor people themselves can have devastating consequences for poverty-alleviation efforts (p. 53).

If we define poverty only as a lack of money, we will try to solve the problem by giving money. It really matters how we diagnose the problem, because the wrong diagnosis will lead to the wrong solutions.

The authors instead invite us to view poverty through the lens of the four basic relationships of every individual and society:

• Relationship with self
• Relationship with others
• Relationship with creation
• Relationship with God 

Poverty (of any sort - spiritual, relational, or material) is rooted in brokenness in one or more of these foundational relationships. Read the following example from the book and note the brokenness of each of Mary's relationships (to self, others, creation, and God):

Consider Mary, who lives in a slum in western Kenya. As a female in a male-dominated society, Mary has been subjected to polygamy, to regular physical and verbal abuse from her husband, to fewer years of schooling than males, and to an entire cultural system that tells her she is inferior. As a result, Mary has a poverty of being and lacks the confidence to look for a job, leading her into material poverty. 

Desperate, Mary decides to be self-employed, but needs a loan to get her business started. Unfortunately, her poverty of community rears its ugly head, as the local loan shark exploits Mary, demanding an interest rate of 300 percent on her loan of twenty-five dollars, contributing to Mary's material poverty. Having no other options, Mary borrows from the loan shark and starts a business of selling homemade charcoal in the local market, along with hundreds of others just like her. The market is glutted with charcoal sellers, which keeps the prices very low. But it never even occurs to Mary to sell something else, because she does not understand that she has been given the creativity and capacity to have dominion over creation. In other words, her poverty of stewardship locks her into an unprofitable business, further contributing to her material poverty. 

Frustrated by her entire situation, Mary goes to the traditional healer (witch doctor) for help, a manifestation of her poverty of spiritual intimacy with the one true God. The healer tells Mary that her difficult life is a result of angry ancestral spirits that need to be appeased through the sacrificing of a bull, a sacrifice that costs Mary a substantial amount of money and further contributes to her material poverty. Mary is suffering from not having sufficient income, but her problems cannot be solved by giving her more money or other material resources, for such things are insufficient to heal the brokenness of her four foundational relationships. (pp. 63-64)

Man, that's a long quote, but so good. I wish I could just quote you the whole book! But anyway, the point is that our definition of poverty matters, and we must define it holistically in order to implement solutions that help.

At the heart of it, the fall of man in Genesis 3 threw all of our relationships out of whack. It is Jesus who reconciles and restores our fundamental relationships, which the authors note:

Poverty is rooted in broken relationships, so the solution to poverty is rooted in the power of Jesus' death and resurrection to put all things into right relationships again. (page 77)

and

Our relationship with the materially poor should be one in which we recognize that both of us are broken and that both of us need the blessing of reconciliation. Our perspective should be less about how we are going to fix the materially poor and more about how we can walk together, asking God to fix both of us. (page 76)

When Helping Hurts

As the book title says, our efforts to help may result in harm, not only to the recipients of our good intentions, but also to ourselves.

One way this happens is when our charitable efforts give us a kind of "god complex," which contributes to our own poverty as it disrupts our fundamental relationships with self and with God, while at the same time contributing to the "poverty of being" of the poor, as our charitable efforts increase their feelings of inferiority, shame, or helplessness.

The authors state that, "one of the major premises of the book is that until we embrace our mutual brokenness, our work with low-income people is likely to do far more harm than good" (p. 64).

They go on to reference development practitioner Jayakumar Christian, who believes that "the economically rich often have 'god-complexes', a subtle and unconscious sense of superiority in which they believe they have achieved their wealth through their own efforts and have been anointed to decide what is best for low-income people, whom they view as inferior to themselves" (p. 65)

What I gained from this reminder is that I absolutely shouldn't engage in any charitable or "helping" work in order to make myself feel good. This contributes to my own poverty of being and may contribute to the poverty of being of others too.

Solutions

Part Three of the book covers practical strategies, including a section on "Doing Short-Term Missions Without Doing Long-Term Harm."

There are some good reminders there about RELIEF, REHABILITATION, and DEVELOPMENT.  Relief (e.g. one-way giving, doing things for people rather than with people) is appropriate only in the aftermath of a major catastrophe. We shouldn't apply relief when development is needed, and even then we shouldn't assume that short-term mission teams are necessarily the best people to apply relief aid.

The authors give many suggestions for improving the impact of short-term teams, and I will summarize the majority of them here (from pp. 174-179):

• Make sure everyone involved understands the nature of poverty, as described above
• Make sure the host organization and community have requested a team
• Be sincerely open to not sending a team
• Design the trip to be about "being" and "learning" as much as "doing"
• Ensure that the "doing" avoids paternalism (Don't do for people what they can do for themselves.)
• Don't create or advertise trips that focus on adventure and fun
• Change the trip name to "Vision Trip" or "Go Learn, Return, and Respond"
• Require potential trip members to demonstrate a serious interest in missions by being active in their church and its local outreach efforts
• Make pre-trip learning a requirement
• Schedule training time on the field 
• Have a well-planned, mandated post-trip learning journey for at least one year following the trip
• Require every member of the team to pay a portion of the expenses ("Why? Remember, this is a learning experience, not a trip to save the world. Learners are more likely to value their training if they are paying for a portion of it.")
• Consider donating as much money to organizations that are pursuing sound community development in that community as you do for the trip costs themselves

That's a tall order. I wonder how many of you have been on a trip designed according to the above principles? I'd love to hear.

I was encouraged to find many practical ways to help the poor while reading the third part of this book. It's not all doom and gloom! While the point of my original blog series was primarily to discuss short-term missions, the book also provides a very helpful framework for long-term development. For example, they discuss ABCD - "Asset Based Community Development" and how powerful it is to start development efforts not by focusing on what's missing in a community, but by capitalizing on the resources and strengths that are already present.

(As an aside, I catch myself missing this point all the time in my work as a rehab therapist. I immediately look at my patients' impairments and how they can be fixed, rather than analyzing their strengths and how they can be maximized.)

Let me close with an article I came across recently:

An Antidote to Extreme Poverty: Generous Billionaires

The article suggests that the world's billionaires alone could give enough money to poor countries to draw millions of people over the poverty line. It cites a recent study which "manages to put into perspective what one person, or what a group of people, could accomplish in a concerted effort to help the world's impoverished. The combined efforts of all the billionaires in the Philippines, India, Swaziland, Georgia, Indonesia, Colombia, Brazil, Peru and China would completely eradicate extreme poverty in their respective countries."

How would you re-write that quote according to the principles from When Helping Hurts? Here's my best shot:

The combined efforts of all the billionaires in the Philippines, India, Swaziland, Georgia, Indonesia, Colombia, Brazil, Peru and China could temporarily eradicate extreme material poverty in their respective countries, while potentially worsening the poverty of being of the material poor by creating a relationship of dependency with the billionaire, contributing to their feelings of helplessness and inferiority, and removing their initiative to steward the gifts and resources around them. The billionaires would meanwhile risk inflating their own feelings of superiority, furthering their broken relationships with self, others, and God. The end result may be that everyone's fundamental relationships remain broken, which will likely lead the formerly impoverished recipients back into material poverty when the original monetary donation runs out.

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts, both on short-term missions and on the wider question of how Christians and non-Christians can best respond to the needs of those around us. (And don't forget to check out the book!)

Checking in: A Daily Life Update

Hi guys! Do you know how much I've enjoyed writing for you here?

This blog has been going for nine or ten months. I had thought that maybe a theme or a style would emerge by now, but so far it remains a pretty eclectic mix of styles and topics. (And I am always open for suggestions on either!)

Most of my posts so far have been either opinion pieces (usually about current events or faith) or entertainment pieces. The opinion pieces have been very helpful for me to write, as they have forced me to sit down and think about why I believe and act as I do. The entertainment pieces have been really fun to write, and I hope you've enjoyed them.

That said, I realized how seldom I write to you in my own voice about my own daily life. So here's a quick update on me!

When I moved back from China, the Lord answered several prayers in specific ways by providing a job, a church, and housemates. Because it seems that God clearly placed me in these settings, I plan to stay in them until He clearly calls me elsewhere.

I'm still working as a speech-language pathologist. My job is to help people who have experienced a stroke or brain injury rehabilitate their communication, cognition, and swallowing function. I have the best co-workers, the best boss, and one of the best healthcare experiences anyone could have. People at my job really care, which makes it a great job even though I don't always feel particularly well suited to rehab.

I still go to a non-denominational church downtown, which is made up of about 800 young adults. I am considering myself a "young" adult for the purpose of that statement. :) I'm involved in English-teaching ministry at my church and hope to become more involved in some cool outreaches to internationals that are brewing at my church. More on that later, probably.

I still live with three girls from my church in the 120-year-old mansion that my roommate bought a year ago. But one of my roommates is moving out, so soon we will lose a roommate. :(  But gain a living room. :)

Most of my evenings are spent with my community group from church, or with people from other countries that I've met through English teaching or the local college's international friendship program. Also this year? Showers. Baby and bridal. Zillions of them. I am becoming the most educated non-mom when it comes to baby gadgetry.

I don't have much travel planned this spring, since three of the half-dozen speech-language pathologists at my job are taking overlapping maternity leaves. Yikes! But come summer, I plan to take a ton of time off so I can see family and friends, participate in international outreach stuff, and burn the American Airlines miles that I have been resolutely collecting all year on my new AA credit card.

Just now, I started and then deleted a few different sentences about things that I've been learning, or ways God has been refining me, or what's new in my spiritual life. But I'm not a skilled enough wordsmith to give you a taste of those things without worrying that I'm over-sharing on a very public forum. Yikity yikes!

So feel free to ask in person, and I'll look forward to getting an update on YOUR life then, too. Have a great week, and thanks for reading.

How Living Overseas Changed Me

Three years ago, I spent three years working as an English teacher in China.  Now I'm looking back with the question, "How did living overseas change me?"

My question was inspired by reading a very interesting post by another American living in China: How Living Overseas Drained the Extrovert out of Me.  She describes how the "rain-swollen river" of relationships flowing through her life eventually eroded her extroverted tendencies.

Since I, too, was a raging extrovert before I moved to China, I was very intrigued by that article.

...Just kidding.  I was, and still am, a non-raging introvert.  So how did living overseas change me?

I wasn't dramatically changed, but I know I'm a different woman than I would have been if I'd lived in Iowa my whole life.  In a word, I've been enriched.

My relationships were enriched.  I met a whole new crowd of interesting and inspiring ex-pats.  I taught hundreds of college students.  I had new colleagues, new leaders, new neighbors.  I had my "go-to" vendors -- my fruit lady and my chicken lady and my water man.

In particular, it was my students that made my time in China so very rich.  They were loving, eager, and enthusiastic!  The Lord gave me a true affection for them, and they blessed me immensely in return.

"Free Talks" were extra English practice sessions that often filled my apartment.

I got to visit this good friend in her hometown.

One of my favorite classes -- all girls!

I don't remember the gift, but I loved getting notes like these!

My mind was also enriched.  Living abroad was a fantastic education for me.  I learned basic skills in a new culture and a new language.  I learned things like how to say "foreigner," how to navigate the train system, and how World War II continues to affect the world today.

Living in an Eastern culture taught me about concepts like shame & honor, "face," and relational webs.  I've learned to keep the Eastern perspective in mind as I read news from the Middle East, try to understand Bible stories, and make friends with internationals on American soil.

Learning about the corn harvest

Learning about Chinese.... or trying to.

Finally, my view of God was enriched.  I've written elsewhere about how living in China gave me a front-row seat to one of the most amazing Christian movements in history.  There's no logical reason that the Chinese church should have survived and grown through the terrible persecution of the mid-twentieth century, and yet there are now millions of believers in China.

I can think of several moments when I sat with Chinese believers and got goosebumps.  My favorite one was when a young Chinese woman shared her vision that God wanted to use China to reach the Middle East, and that she was actively training to go as a foreign worker to share good news in a dangerous country there.  My second favorite moment was when I sat at a kitchen table with two Chinese believers and an American friend, and we had an amazing hour of worship and fellowship with our Bibles open.  Experiences like that have given me a great appreciation for God's work in his global church, as well as a lingering dis-taste for the materialism and showmanship of many American churches.

My time overseas also gave me greater confidence in God's provision in my own life, as he provided finances, safety, vision, opportunities, and joy during my three years abroad.

The line for a Beijing church popular with college students.

The registered church in Qufu, where I first lived.

An impromptu lunch with church ladies we barely knew - One of my favorite Qufu memories!

In conclusion:

Sweet memories did indeed go with me when I left China.  But I'm not 100% that a clean environment was left behind!

This post is part of a (very) short series on "How Living Overseas" changed me. AKA, a two-part series, unless any of the rest of you want to chime in! :) 

See the first installment from Lisa Shunk, on the impact of living in Haiti during her teen years.  How about you?  Have you lived overseas?  How did it change you?  

How Living Overseas Changed Me: A Guest Post by Lisa Shunk

Today I'm so happy to welcome Lisa Shunk to the blog! She was kind enough to befriend me when I was the new kid in seventh grade, and we've been friends ever since. Here she shares about how living overseas as a teenager in Haiti changed her.

As an aside, it's been my privilege to watch these changes in real time over the years that we've been friends. Lisa really does live simply, and beautifully! Here she is:

***

Moving to a third world country shortly after I turned 17 messed me up. That is, messed this Midwest girl up in some of the best and hardest ways possible.

If I'm honest, my experiences there are still messing with me 15 years later. And, hopefully it won't ever go away. I don't want to return to the self-centered, perspective-less teenage girl I was (and not just because the teenage years are weird), mostly because the change I see in my life is for the better. Let me explain.

I care more. After I experienced land ruined by trash, deforestation and overpopulation, I care about the environment. Haiti made a tree hugger out of me! After I saw rejoicing over what seems to me like a simple rainfall, I appreciate every drop that comes from the tap: doing dishes, washing clothes, taking a shower and (most importantly!) that act of filling a glass with clean water and drinking until I am no longer thirsty. Knowing that I will probably never wonder where my next meal would come from, I realize how incredibly blessed I am. Completely without reason. I own more than two pairs of shoes, can find a job rather easily with my experience and degree, can hop in my car, fill it whenever needed and drive across town ... I am filthy rich and please do not forget that, self.

I live more simply. Living overseas launched me into the simplicity movement and towards a minimalist lifestyle. The thrust of success and ownership in our American culture is meaningless when viewed from the perspective of the overwhelming majority in the world. Needs versus wants are redefined. I can live in solidarity, give more, and get caught up in the rat race less. Don't get me wrong, I still really enjoy decorating my house and I like fashion (very insignificant on the needs vs. wants scale, but I love it regardless). I indulge in lots of "unnecessaries". But it's not a contest (for more, better, best) and I attempt to live my life purposefully. I also recycle, eat more whole foods, shop less, handmake more and even dream of homesteading sometime. (Complete with goat, chickens and garden ... if only I liked to be outdoors more than I actually do! Still working on that.)

I have a healthy unhealthy large dose of skepticism toward charities. This is one of the not-so-good things I've gained since living overseas. I rarely give my money away if I'm not sure of where it's going as there is SO much corruption in the process. Everywhere. I'm still not quite sure what to do about this as I'm not in the position (having two small children) to actually go and do something about the injustice in the world. But I have too much experience with corruption to be confident in putting my money where my mouth is.

In every season, I'm still figuring it out. As a college kid, as a college grad and volunteer living in Europe, as a newlywed, and now as a young mama, I've had to grapple with what it looks like for me to live with perspective, live with gratitude and live generously in our unjust world and self-centered society. I'm confident this will keep evolving, I'll keep learning and it won't be a perfect process.

***

Find more of Lisa's writing at lmshunk.blogspot.com -- you can start with her work on Simplicity.

***

What about you? Have you lived or traveled far away? How did it change you?

[In the Style of Dave Barry] Night at the Caucuses

Hey Mr. Barry, I've been a fan of your writing since way back in 2000, when you published the following memory trick for spelling the word "millennium":

Two 'n's and two 'l's, you've spelled it quite well. One 'l' or one "n", you're a big fat stupid hen.

I use that trick to this day, and I'm proud to report that no one in the last sixteen years has ever had reason to call me a big fat stupid hen.

So you've helped me a lot, Mr. Barry, and I was thrilled to see that you were coming to my town last week to cover the Iowa caucuses.

"Finally!" I said to myself. "Here's a hard-hitting, truth-telling reporter who won't stoop to the same old tired jokes about pigs and corn."

Then I read your column, "It's the Iowa Pork Congress!" (Key quote: "Even as I type these words the Iowa Pork Congress is going on here at the Iowa Events Center, with a 'Manure Applicator Training Session' scheduled Thursday.")  You seem to think there's something funny about an event that features a "Swinecast."

Not only do you "poke fun" at our agricultural events, in another column you make frequent references to how well-mannered Iowans are, suggesting in your "tongue-in-cheek" way that we wouldn't last a minute in South Florida. (Key quote: "They are incredibly polite, these Iowans. If they ever come to Miami they will wind up naked in the gutter.")

Enough is enough, Mr. Barry. We Iowans are made of more than just corn, pigs, and politeness. For example, did you forget that we are also a leading producer of soy beans?

True story: My co-worker Kelsee, who grew up in small-town Iowa, surrounded by bean fields, did not realize until she was an adult that those fields contained soy beans. She had spent her whole life wondering who was buying all those green beans.

As this true story illustrates, we are not all farmers. In fact, I am an Iowa native whose primary agricultural achievement is telling people that my mom grew up on a dairy farm.

But putting agriculture aside, what really irked me about your coverage of caucus week, Mr. Barry, is your insistence that we Iowans are all nice.

Oh yeah? You think we're nice?? Well guess what -- I think your haircut may be slightly unflattering, although it's probably just the lighting. Sorry, it's probably just how I was looking at the photo. My fault.

Anyway, to prove that we Iowans have just as much "edge" as anyone else, and could beat any one of you in a street fight in the inner city (if only we had inner cities) (which would require having cities), I'm going to tell you about a night that Iowans weren't so nice.

That's right -- Caucus Night.

I arrived with my two friends to a local elementary school, where at least fifty people were lined up outside the door. The caucus was set to begin in twenty minutes, and it was becoming clear that the line was not moving nearly fast enough to get everyone settled by 7:00 p.m.

After a few minutes, a volunteer poked her head out to the door to announce that the line for the Democrat caucus was actually inside the building, and dozens of people streamed out of the line and into the warm indoors.

A few Republicans grumbled.

Unfortunately, the caucus organizers had vastly underestimated the projected attendance, and they had run out of all the necessary forms, including registration forms and the little ballots that would be used to cast our votes. Someone was supposed to get photocopies, but it sure wasn't happening quickly.

Once we finally got everyone into the gym, we expressed our strong disapproval of slow line and the late start by stating they really should have planned ahead better, after which we continued our silent protest by making small talk with our neighbors and catching up with friends from church.

The organizers had set up chairs for only about a quarter of the attendees, forcing most of us to stand.

As you can see, we were fuming.

The climax of our Not-so-Niceness came shortly after, once the caucus had finally begun.

Several well-spoken representatives stood up to speak in support of their candidates. We showed our disapproval of the candidates we didn't like by smiling and clapping with one percent less enthusiasm than we gave for the candidates we liked.

When it became clear that no one had come prepared to speak on behalf of Donald Trump, a very nice suburban-type woman in a Trump T-shirt stood up and said that she hadn't planned to talk but she wanted to make sure someone spoke for Trump, because he was against politics as usual and he was doing all of this for us -- to help our families and to Make America Great Again. Listening to her talk, you would have thought Trump was a proper presidential candidate instead of a condescending egomaniac bent on self-aggrandizement at anyone's expense.

Woah, sorry. That wasn't very nice.

Anyway, several small children had been playing in the back of the gym throughout the evening. With the terrible acoustics of the gym, the adults were having difficulty hearing the speakers. It didn't help that three of the kids had noisemakers. ("What'll we have the kids do at the caucus to keep 'em busy?" I imagined their parents asking themselves. "I know! How about make noise? Bob, hand 'em the drumsticks.")

Finally, we could stand it no longer. A middle-aged woman in a Rand Paul shirt stood up halfway out of her chair and called over her shoulder, "Someone leash the kids!"

And there you have it: A true Iowa Rage.

The rest of the evening was uneventful. We took the vote (Rubio won; Trump trailed him by a vote), said goodbye to our neighbors, and all went home.

I hope you'll come back to Iowa one day, Mr. Barry, so we can show you what we're really made of.

But don't forget -- you'll have to pass the Manners Test before you come.

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Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/news/politics-government/elections-2016/article56902063.html#storylink=cpy