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Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Singles' Holiday Guide

If there's one thing I'm always hearing, it's how helpful I am.
"Alison, you're the helpful-est person, I know," people say. "We don't know what we'd do without you."
"Thanks," I say. "I don't know what you'd do either."

In the spirit of helping all my single friends survive the upcoming holidays, I've put together the following Guide to Surviving and Thriving as a Single this Season.

The Company Christmas Party

The two most important things you must decide about the company Christmas party are what to wear and whom to take.  For your attire, I recommend wearing something subdued so that your choice of a date will really pop.  You can bring any of the following people to the party:

1)  An actual date.  Hahaha.  I kid, I kid.  If you knew any actual eligible dates, you'd be out with them right now instead of reading this guide.  But that's OK, because there are many other options.

2)  A friend of the opposite sex.  The beauty of this choice is that no one will know if this is a friend-date or a date-date, leading to awkward conversations throughout the night.  Your CEO might just plop down beside you and ask, "Who's this lucky gentleman (or lady)?"  An additional possible bonus is that your date (or you!) will be likewise confused and will spend the next year planning a wedding that will never happen.

3)  A friend of the same sex.  This choice combines the enjoyment of spending the evening with a friend with the excitement of making all of your co-workers question your sexual orientation.

4)  A relative.  It's cool to bring your cousin to the company party, right?  .... right??

5)  No one.  Going solo solves so many problems: The problem of there not being enough empty chairs at the table, the problem of writing "2" on your RSVP card when "1" is so much easier...  Actually, those are the only two problems it solves, but if those are your priorities, you should definitely go with option #5.

The Family Dinner

As most grandmothers have long known, there's no better place to discuss your singleness than over the holiday dinner table.  Sometimes it can be difficult to come up with the perfect response to your family's questions on the spot.  Here are some suggestions:

Q:  "When will you get married?"
A:  "When will the apple pie be done?"  (Evasion plus confusion.  Perfect.)

Q:  "Are you seeing anyone?"
A:  "No."  (Drop your fork on the floor and duck under the table to get it.  Do not emerge.)

Q:  "Why are you still single?"
A:  "I'm ugly."  (My personal favorite.)

It will also be important to smile and nod appropriately when your great aunt describes how her niece on the other side found her husband.  "She met him on the Christian Mingles!  Or was it the Farmers Only?  Have you ever thought of trying one of those dating sites?"


After your holiday dinner and an evening full of family fun, it will be time to "hit the hay," as they say.  Fortunately, as the only family member without a spouse or a child, and thus the only family member who does not strictly require a bed, you may actually have the opportunity to sleep on some hay!  But if an original Bethlehem-stable kind of Christmas is not for you, your two prime sleeping spots are as follows:

1)  The living room couch.  Pros: It's the highest-quality couch in the house, it may afford a view of the Christmas tree, and you will definitely be the only one to see Santa.  Cons:  Santa might not come if you are spying on him from the living room.

2)  The basement couch.  Pros:  You'll feel like a teenager again!  You'll have your own bedroom in the basement -- cool!  Maybe you can save up your lawn-mowing money for a mini fridge!  Cons:  Your family might forget about you and leave you behind while they take a trip to France, forcing you to fend off potential home invaders by yourself.

Actually, that might make for a pretty cool story, so I recommend option #2.

With parties, dinners, and accommodations taken care of, you're all set for a happy holiday as a surviving, thriving single.  Enjoy!

Disclaimer:  This blog shall in no way be responsible for the consequences of following the advice set forth in this column.  This blog recognizes that singleness humor is best directed at singles and henceforth demands that all non-single readers forget they ever read this column.  This blog would also like to remind this blog's mom that this blog does actually like sleeping on the couch. 


Freddie said...

This was indeed very helpful - helping me to laugh out loud, that is! I love it!

Alison said...

Thanks. I aim to please!