Jokes for Finding Love this Valentine's Day

This year on the blog, my mostly joking commentary on topics like creating the perfect holiday letter has been replaced by posts about the danger of Donald Trump, the role of American Christians, and the heartbreak of ignoring refugees. 

If you've stuck with me through this somewhat abrupt change in tone, thank you! I believe that I have only one voice, and if ever there was a year to use it, it's been this one. I especially appreciate readers who disagree with me who have continued to read and respond.

But today, Imma throw back to my blogging days of yore and talk to you about both JOKES and REAL LIFE in the SAME POST.

At the beginning of 2016, I published an article called Tips for Finding Love in the New Year. Here's an excerpt:

3) How to Handle the First Date

Using the above strategies, you’ll soon have plenty of dates on your calendar. How can you “wow” your date? I’m glad you asked.

The most important quality you can bring to a date is a sense of humor. Humor is even more attractive than actual attractiveness, which is why you frequently see top comedians paired up with supermodels, while your professional athletes and Hollywood stars — lacking that all-important sense of humor — are constantly having to take their moms to their various award shows because they can’t find anyone else to go with them.

To help you out, I’m going to share some jokes I have used on actual dates:

“What did the zero say to the eight?” “Nice belt.”

“What do you call a fish with no eyes?” “Fshhh.”

“What was the last thing that went through the bug’s head when it hit the windshield?” “Its butt.”

Now, you probably thought that advice was in jest. Heck, I thought that advice was in jest. But it turns out that my tips for finding love in the new year ACTUALLY WORK.

Not long after publishing that article, I got asked out to coffee by a man at my church. He'd been thinking about calling me for a while, but what helped tip him over the edge was reading my article and finding, yes, his favorite joke.

"What do you call a fish with no eyes?"
"Fshhh."

And we've been together ever since.

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I still find it ironic that an article laughing about how NOT to impress someone helped bring me into a relationship with the one I love. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

So, apparently jokes are more powerful than I realized, and jokes about jokes are a foolproof path to true love. Single friends, I'm here for you. If dumb jokes work, I'm about to arm you with some jokes even dumber than the ones I shared last year. Here we go:

What do you call a cow with only two legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with an explosive device inside of it?
Abominable.

What do you call the cow after the device has exploded.
Noble.

Learn these jokes, single friends! Tell 'em at work, tell 'em at church, tattoo them on your arms, or include them in a satirical blog post about your dating ineptitude. Do what you need to do.

Have a great Valentine's Day, and I look forward to your weddings.

A Call to Rescue those Being Led Away to Death

Hey America. This week Trump decided to temporarily halt travel from seven Muslim nations, pause our refugee resettlement program, and indefinitely suspend the admittance of Syrian refugees.

I think we ought not be silent on this issue.

First, refugees. Refugees come to seek asylum from terrible things: war, rape, torture, genocide, and atrocities of all sorts. America is a safe place for children, women, and men running away from these terrible things. We should welcome them to live here and help them when they do.

"Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter." (Proverbs 24:11)

 

Second, Muslims. Muslim countries are in chaos in many parts of the world. I believe this is the natural result of adhering to any ideology that does not place Christ as Lord and King. They do not know the Prince of Peace. America is a place with many Christians that can share the truth of the Gospel with immigrants who would have little chance of hearing this life-giving message of peace if they stayed in their home countries. Without the gospel, they perish.

 

"Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter." (Proverbs 24:11)

If our obligation as Americans and Christians is primarily to protect our own safety, we should evaluate whether Trump's measures in any degree make us safer. I don't think they are likely to make us safer, but even if they did, there's a more important consideration.

 

If our obligation as Americans and Christians is to do what good we can in this world, we should evaluate whether Trump's measures in any degree help us save lives and save souls. How could anyone argue that Trump's measures increase our ability as Americans or Christians to show love and mercy to those who need it most?

Finally, whatever your thoughts are on immigration, please at least let's do our best to love those who are already here.

 

Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:31). 

 

When asked who counts as a neighbor, Jesus told the story of a Jewish traveler who was attacked on the road, and saved not by the religious Jews walking by, but by a good Samaritan man who would have had every reason to walk on by. Jesus asked,

 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.” (Mark 12:36-37)

Our neighbors. (source)