Search This Blog

Friday, February 10, 2017

Jokes for Finding Love this Valentine's Day

This year on the blog, my mostly joking commentary on topics like creating the perfect holiday letter has been replaced by posts about the danger of Donald Trump, the role of American Christians, and the heartbreak of ignoring refugees. 

If you've stuck with me through this somewhat abrupt change in tone, thank you! I believe that I have only one voice, and if ever there was a year to use it, it's been this one. I especially appreciate readers who disagree with me who have continued to read and respond.

But today, Imma throw back to my blogging days of yore and talk to you about both JOKES and REAL LIFE in the SAME POST.

At the beginning of 2016, I published an article called Tips for Finding Love in the New Year. Here's an excerpt:
3) How to Handle the First Date
Using the above strategies, you’ll soon have plenty of dates on your calendar. How can you “wow” your date? I’m glad you asked.
The most important quality you can bring to a date is a sense of humor. Humor is even more attractive than actual attractiveness, which is why you frequently see top comedians paired up with supermodels, while your professional athletes and Hollywood stars — lacking that all-important sense of humor — are constantly having to take their moms to their various award shows because they can’t find anyone else to go with them.
To help you out, I’m going to share some jokes I have used on actual dates:
“What did the zero say to the eight?” “Nice belt.”
“What do you call a fish with no eyes?” “Fshhh.”
“What was the last thing that went through the bug’s head when it hit the windshield?” “Its butt.”

Now, you probably thought that advice was in jest. Heck, I thought that advice was in jest. But it turns out that my tips for finding love in the new year ACTUALLY WORK.

Not long after publishing that article, I got asked out to coffee by a man at my church. He'd been thinking about calling me for a while, but what helped tip him over the edge was reading my article and finding, yes, his favorite joke.
"What do you call a fish with no eyes?"
And we've been together ever since.



I still find it ironic that an article laughing about how NOT to impress someone helped bring me into a relationship with the one I love. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

So, apparently jokes are more powerful than I realized, and jokes about jokes are a foolproof path to true love. Single friends, I'm here for you. If dumb jokes work, I'm about to arm you with some jokes even dumber than the ones I shared last year. Here we go:

What do you call a cow with only two legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with an explosive device inside of it?

What do you call the cow after the device has exploded.

Learn these jokes, single friends! Tell 'em at work, tell 'em at church, tattoo them on your arms, or include them in a satirical blog post about your dating ineptitude. Do what you need to do.

Have a great Valentine's Day, and I look forward to your weddings.


Linda said...

I'm not single, but I want to use your jokes! Permission needed!

Bryan said...

I've always gone with a slight variation of yours:

What do you call a fish with 3 eyes: Fi-i-ish

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was intense.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Noble Prize? He was out standing in his field.
Did you know that mountains are not funny? They are hill areas.
How do you know if a mosquito is religious? They prey on you
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bartender here?" (I've told that one about 2000 times and the only person who has ever gotten it is my sister, Cori)

One I think I heard from your sister:
When do hipsters drink their tea? Before it's cool.

Unknown said...

I want to contribute! So far, only my brother, Bryan, has gotten this one:

How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? Take away their brooms.

Alison said...

Haha. These are priceless, and i call on your family to begin hosting dating seminars immediately. But i admit i don't get the termite joke.

Unknown said...

What do you call the sister of your boyfriend? DELIGHTED! Ok the joke was awful, but I couldn't be happier that you two found one another! God is truly GREAT! I'm so grateful Andy has you in his life! ❤️ Love you both!

Bryan said...

Termites eat wood. Bars are made of wood. Is the bar tender here? I usually get blank stares as people wait for the punchline ..