[In the Style of Jason Mraz] At the Baby Shower

I wrote this poem about a baby shower I recently attended, in which only I and two other women had no babies, either in or out of our bellies.  As an aside, I should tell you that I love babies and I like baby talk.  I am in no way bothered by birthing stories.  But "I am in no way bothered by birthing stories" does not make for very funny poetry.

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

• DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE MALE.
• DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED.
• DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ SLANG ABOUT THE NETHER REGIONS.  (Sorry, Mom :) )
• DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT PROMISE TO SING IT IN YOUR HEAD TO THE TUNE OF JASON MRAZ'S "I"M YOURS."

OK, I think we're covered here.  Let's go.


Well, I went to a shower for a baby that's a'comin;
The ladies were all snackin and the conversation hummin.
But I fell right through the cracks
Til my girls got my back!

We got no babies on our boobies and no icepacks in our privates,
No lanolin, no diapers, and no cause to get excited
At gripe water, or the sneeze
That lets out all your pees!

Oh and please, please hesitate
Some more (lots more!).
This stuff can wait.
I'm sure!

There's no need to contemplate
Your nipples' size,
Your hoohah's fate;
No more!

So I'm sittin at the table with the ladies with no babies
We're just chattin bout our travels (the good places and the shadies)
When we hear some nursing news:
Baby got engulfed in her boobs!

The moms get louder with their stories and they're sounding pretty gory
We hear things we never asked to know about their under-storeys
So we up our volume too:
"I went to Zealand, New!"

We talk louder but it's useless cuz the baby talk is flying
I mention Machu Picchu but "MY VAJAJAY WAS CRYIN!"
Splits the air (Like it was split.
Cuz the baby tore it!)

Please don't scootch a little closer, dears.
I will plug all my ears.

Oh and please, please hesitate
Some more (lots more!).
This stuff can wait.
I'm sure!



Hehehe. :)  Congrats to all my pregnant friends.