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Tuesday, September 8, 2015

[In the Style of Bridget Jones] Single on a Sunday

I typed out this diary entry in the style of Bridget Jones after reading a Bridget Jones's Diary book last summer.  She is one funny fictional Brit.  The actual events I described below were mostly all true. But the thoughts and conclusions were mostly all not -- They are much more Bridget-ish than Alison-ish. Enjoy!

Current weight: Not reported. Number of cigs smoked: 0 (as per usual). Number of bathrooms cleaned: 2 (v. good). Number of floors swept: At least a million (v. v. good). Batches of cookies mixed: 5. Batches of cookies baked: 0. Number of boyfriends: 0 (as per usual).

Alarm set for 4:05 this morning to drive roommate and church staffers to airport for conference in California. Roommate says we are leaving at crack of dawn. I point out it’s another three hours before dawn cracks.

5:30 a.m. Got back from airport and went to sleep for next four hours (unlike me to sleep so late, but v. tired lately). Dreamt was in California with church staffers attending a backyard Mexican barbecue. All were very impressed when I saw them and announced with perfect Spanish accent, “Es mi grupo.” Spent most of dream looking on Google maps to find nearest beach. Awoke to beautiful day in Iowa.

10:00 a.m. Normally would not spend all of Sunday morning un-showered in my pajamas reading “Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason.” Found it on bookshelf last night and laughed out loud through first two chapters, so really do have to finish book to see how it ends. Will be up and showered by 11. Now I’ll just warm up some leftovers and get on to Chapter Three…

Gah! 12:30 already! At least book is finished (v. humorous, if a little crass), so now can be extra productive through rest of day. Also have plans to talk with gentleman from online dating site this afternoon. But first, will go for run and then start big cookie baking project.

1:30 p.m.: Finished running! Finished showering! Even shaved my legs! Hoorah! Am a responsible, productive adult and will continue doing important chores and creative ventures throughout day.

2:30 p.m.: Let’s see… Got these cookies all mixed up so they just need to pop in the fridge for a cool-down before baking. Roommate walks in and I tell her I’m baking cookies for the church marriage conference next week (v. selfless of me).

Selflessness continues with extra-thorough cleaning of house, including two bathrooms, several floors, and own room. Still counts as selfless even though I live here, right? Resolve to continue cleaning bathrooms weekly so they do not become scary, hair-filled, moldy disasters as in last house rented.

3:30 p.m.: Will bake cookies after gentleman from the Internet gives me a call. For now will just walk down to coffee shop for some free wi-fi. Beautiful walk. Best neighborhood ever!

Hm. Nothing interesting on the Internet. E-mail may not be working, as no new messages are in inbox. Phone also possibly not working, as has not rung all day. Look at phone: Appears to be in working order. Will go home and re-learn how to crochet while waiting for gentleman caller.

6:00 p.m.: Yes, this is absolutely best day ever. Sitting in my clean room with vanilla candle burning, relaxing on perfectly made bed making a lovely scarf. Do not actually remember how to crochet exactly, but confident it will turn out all right in the end (yarn is quite bulky so v. forgiving of mistakes). Let’s see, eight rows in… better hold it up and take a peek…

Gah! Scarf is not supposed to look like pregnant “S.” Should be straight and neat. Pull out four rows and leave on bed so can scrounge for some supper.

7:30 p.m. Phone rings! Is not technically “afternoon” anymore, but can forgive Internet gentleman for that. Oh, but: “Hi Alison! It’s Mom! Just calling to say hi. So anyway, what did you do today?” Talked to Mom for thirty minutes. Had planned to call her myself (resolve to be more attentive daughter) but wanted line free in case needed for online dating purposes.

Will randomly text half a dozen friends to stave off boredom.

8:00 p.m. Read several pages of First Kings. Continue to be confused by incident with Elisha and bears. Nonetheless, reading Bible and praying always v. good idea. Should probably have done before finishing Bridget Jones.

Friend calls. Discuss her online dating experiences in detail. Nothing to report on this end.

Hmm.. 8:45. Will just text Internet gentleman to let him know I’m still free.

8:50 p.m. No response.

Will complete urgent project of going through digital photos from last three months.

9:10 p.m. Still no response. Will just pop off to McDonald’s for some free wi-fi. (Side note – really would be more convenient to have Internet in house.) Should get salad as have not had anything un-cheesed or un-fried all day.

Oh, though. They have chocolate twist cones! Should get one as they are only $1 and will be nice cheap way to justify sitting in booth for an hour mooching wi-fi. Log into my online dating. Interesting dorky minister dude sent questions; will reply.

9:55 p.m. Phone still silent. Composed humorous haiku regarding sitting under freezing air conditioning while eating twist cone and posted on Facebook. Facebook did not appreciate, as still no response. Possible that “like” button not functioning tonight.

10:10 p.m. Was v. productive day! Did some cleaning! Went for a run! Attempted a creative venture! Does not matter that entire population of Internet males save one dorky minister dude, as well as Facebook audience at large, did not contact at all! (Feel sorry for all females not so understanding and self-assured). Am responsible, productive, attractive adult. Will go to bed at reasonable time. Will bake five batches of cookies on Thursday.

It's  Singleness Week on the blog!  Find the whole collection here.


Unknown said...

Love, love, v. love this!

Alison said...

Thanks Amy. It was really fun to write.

Rena said...

This is hilarious and awesome just like you. And very Bridget. Nicely done.

Alison said...

Why thank you! :)