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Sunday, September 6, 2015


Having the perfect hashtag makes any situation better.  I would like to introduce all my single friends to two useful hashtags for all your singleness needs.

The first one is my very own creation: #reallifeinthetrenches

It was birthed a couple years ago when I attended a bridal shower where everyone was asked to give relationship advice to the bride-to-be.  I had none.  So I told them about my most recent dating experience, where I went out with a man who, days later, moved to the Arctic Circle for the rest of his life.  So the best advice I could offer was not to get relationship advice from me.  People laughed.  "This is real life," I told them.  "Real life in the trenches."

Can I suggest some real-life situations where you may find my hashtag helpful?
  • At a wedding.  All your acquaintances there are married, except one single lady who was supposed to attend.  The bride thoughtfully seated you next to her.  But she had a family emergency and didn't come, so you sit at a table of couples next to the only empty chair in the house.  #reallifeinthetrenches
  • On the eHarmony.  Your friend hijacks your profile to message a cute guy on her own behalf.  She accidentally clicks the box that says, "Alert me when So-and-So responds."  eHarmony immediately charges $7.99 to your credit card for its alerting service.  So-and-So never responds.  (You bought the service.  You would know.)  #reallifeinthetrenches
  • In the kitchen.  Mousetrap snaps and a little rodent squeaks its last.  No one to clean that thing up but you.  #reallifeinthetrenches
  • At the dinner table.  Someone mentions a mutual acquaintance she thinks is attractive.  You stop and do the math.  He is closer to age 12 than the ages of two thirds of the single women at the table.  #reallifeinthetrenches
  • On the living room couch.  Your roommate is making brownies and walks in with a spoon for you to lick clean.  This literally just happened.  #reallifeinthetrenches

So maybe real life in the trenches is not all that bad. 

Anyway, the next hashtag requires a quote and a story.  One of my single friends did some volunteering a few months ago and got to know a lady named Tammy.  She ran into her a few months later, and Tammy had this to say:
"Girl, I know I recognize you.  How do I know you?!  Oh yeah!  You're that loud mouth girl that brings me food sometimes!!  You done put on some weight, girl!  What, like 20, 30 pounds?  Don't chu worry though, girl.  You were blessed by the good Lord with hips and an ass.  Let me see your stomach.  Yeah girl.  Here's what you do.  Knock 15 points off that body and the boys will come running.  You single?  Yeah... that's cause you let yourself get fat.  But don't worry.  Tammy got chu, girl."
As my friend said, "Tammy gives zero cares about my feelings."  We all agreed the world needs more people like Tammy.  Now when we come across prime singleness moments, we just say "#tammy."

Someone at work reminds you that you better start having kids soon if you ever want to have them?  #tammy

Run across some girl cursing out her bicycle because she doesn't have a boyfriend to curse out? #tammy

Ready to send out a stack of four RSVP cards, after writing four "one"s in a row?  #tammy

Once I texted my roommate in the midst of a stressful singleness situation and asked her to pray for me.  Her response?
Oh boy.  #reallifeinthetrenches
I think Tammy would approve.

It's  Singleness Week on the blog!  Find the whole collection here.


Gloria said...

I love this, Alison; can't wait to keep reading! I miss our travel times together where I got all of the Alison Rose wit live and with the accompanying sound effects (usually laughter). :)

Alison said...

Oh man. I just was talking with someone about my favorite trips of all time - our adventure through Malaysia, Thailand, Vietnam, and Cambodia made the top three. Dang Tam for life!
Thanks for reading. :)